Already In My Heart, Someday In My Arms…

When a couple has been dating for a significant period of time, people start to wonder and begin to ask, “When will you be getting married?”. Inquiring minds want to know! They see the love between the two of you, and wonder when you’ll be taking that next step of commitment.  AS SOON AS you ARE married, some of the same people ask you excitedly, “When will you guys start trying to start a family?!”. It’s the natural “next” step, assumedly. This is where we are “at”. The awkward stage of trying to conceive. I say that it’s awkward, only because in our society we are so driven to reach the NEXT step. We don’t want to be stagnant. We are driven to go further, to be more…to HAVE MORE. We have this personal checklist of things we want to attain. I feel as though we have been stuck in this stage of transition for a couple years now. I’m supposed to wait and be patient. Which can be SO DIFFICULT when you want something with every fibre of your being.

Today’s post will serve a couple of purposes. I wanted to recap on what has been going on for the last year, for those of you who may be new to my blog, and haven’t read posts from the beginning. Also, the second reason is that it’s purely therapeutic for me. I need to talk about it. I don’t want to be stirring inside and secretive about it. I also don’t want to feel that I have to put on a brave face 100% of the time. I need all the prayer and encouragement I can get! I don’t mean to be a “negative Nancy” and know that I’m not going to let this difficult season define my life or steal my joy!

Hmm…So where to begin? I’ve wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I always had dolls and played with Barbies (I know. 🙂 late 80’s kid!). I would play house and play store. In every scenario I, of course, was the mother. I was also a (somewhat!) bossy eldest sister to my brother and sister, and in our imaginative play, I had no problems telling them what we were playing and what our characters would be.

Luke

I can also be a control freak. Plus, I’m a girl! I feel like I am constantly encountering other women who have these personal timelines of what they hope to accomplish, and when. And, I mean, it’s good to dream. To have goals and it’s always good to hope!

Proverbs 19:21

When we got married we were in our mid twenties. Figured we had the world before us, and time was on our side! We waited until we were married before moving in together, and we had just bought a house. The newness of being newlyweds and homeownership would take some “getting used to”.  And it did, for a bit. We agreed we would wait a couple of years before trying to start a family. Well, let’s be honest, I could have started trying right away! We compromised that we would first try to reach our goal of paying off some personal debt. We didn’t want to bring children up into “that”, and wanted to be financially responsible. Our schedule was busy, I was working two jobs that had shift work, and then there was my husbands career change. He went away for 3 months and wouldn’t have been around for either the first trimester or the last, and that just broke his heart. We agreed that it wasn’t the best time…

People Can Plan...

We finally started trying to conceive when I went up to see Matt in Montreal (while he was at basic). He started having weekends off, and we were so ecstatic to be together again. It was SUCH an exciting realization. THIS WAS THE TIME! Our weekend together was wonderful, but no such luck. After no positive results,  the trying continued into the Spring. April came along and Matt graduated from Basic Training. In May he moved onto a training base while he worked at the fire hall, while awaiting his course to start (end of August). Such a busy season for Matt, as he was on base 2 hours from our hometown, where I was still living. Every week I tried to keep busy and keep my mind off of the fact that we STILL weren’t living together, and saw Matt only on weekends. In June, I planned a vacation for us to get away from it all, in hopes for a romantic escapade. While the trip was refreshing and wonderful, there was still no little bundle of joy that came from it. After countless pregnancy tests and “negative’s” my discouragement turned to dismay.

Psalm verse

In July, we rejoiced that we had a home together again! A house on base had become available, and we gratefully snatched it up. And in the late Summer, I lost my period. They just stopped. I ignored it and figured, they had been irregular my whole life and would return eventually. I bought an ovulation predictor kit, and a basal body thermometer. Is this really what people go through? I didn’t want to chart or plan my pregnancy. I wanted to have a natural pregnancy, one that would happen on God’s clock, and not mine. I eventually went to the doctors for a “pre-conception appointment” (we HAD to be doing something wrong!), only to have him say, “It’s just stress”. I was told to exercise, and they should return. This left me frustrated because I had BEEN exercising. I’ve been taking pre-natal vitamins and eating as healthy as I EVER have. He also gave me a requisition for bloodwork.

I got a call with my lab results, and as it turns out, I have a hormonal imbalance. With an increase of prolactin levels, or, hyperprolactinaemia. He also wants me to go for an MRI of my pituitary gland. It’s likely that I haven’t had my period due to that (amenorrhoea). I was prescribed “Bromocriptine” and so that’s where we’re currently at. It’s been a rough week of medication side effects (I’ll spare you the gory details), but otherwise, I’m actually feeling relieved that we have figured out what the problem has been. I’m hopeful that my period returns and everything levels out from there. We can continue TTC (trying to conceive) and in the Lord’s time I pray this is just a minor interference. We are trying to remain hopeful.

Jesus replied

So, Matt and I would really appreciate your prayers! I know there are so many of you that are lifting our names up to God on a daily basis and I am so grateful for that. I want you all to know that I’m not writing any of this to gain pity, but rather so you can know how to pray and so you can gain some insight on what has been going on with us. It hasn’t been an easy road to travel down, and I am only one of many millions of women with a hormone imbalance. Isn’t it a comfort to know that we don’t have to travel the road alone, though? We are remaining hopeful and steadfast in prayer through this difficult season. I can’t wait until the day I get to announce that God has performed a miracle in me and has given us a baby!! I can’t wait to rejoice and I hope you’ll be there to celebrate with me.

Psalm

Romans 8:18

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2 thoughts on “Already In My Heart, Someday In My Arms…

  1. Pingback: An MRI, Among Other Things |

  2. Pingback: I Have A What? |

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